Becoming a Man While Remaining “Mom”: Jay DeFazio Shares His Story in You Only Live Twice

What happens when the roles that are supposed to define you no longer fit?

In You Only Live Twice: A Memoir in Two Genders, Jay DeFazio writes openly about a life spent trying to fit into roles that never felt quite right: daughter, wife, mother, Catholic, lesbian.

From the moment Jay wrapped a towel around his waist like his dad instead of under his armpits like his mom, something felt off. For years, he tried to become the person everyone expected him to be. His memoir explores the long and often painful process of understanding who he really was and finally allowing himself to live honestly.

Jay writes candidly about Catholic guilt, marriage, psychiatric hospitalizations, addiction, parenthood, and transition. But the book is not without humor. He shares memories of childhood crushes on female teachers, the discomfort of wedding dresses and traditional gender roles, and the relief that came with finally telling the truth.

Kirkus Reviews calls the book “a resounding and inspiring remembrance” and praises Jay for claiming “space for compassion as an act of resistance.”

Transition, Family, and the Meaning of “Mom”

At its core, You Only Live Twice is also a story about family.

Jay became a parent before transitioning, and his children still call him mom. The memoir does not offer a simplified version of what it means to transition. Instead, it shows the complexity of changing your life while still carrying the relationships, responsibilities, and history that shaped you.

“You are not a mistake. You are not an abomination. You are not a sin,” Jay writes on the opening page.

At a time when transgender lives remain part of the national conversation, You Only Live Twice brings the focus back to one person’s experience: the effort it took to survive, the relationships that endured, and the freedom that came from finally living as himself.

About Jay DeFazio

Jay DeFazio is an artist and teacher who knew from a young age that he was living in the wrong body. After giving birth to children and spending years trying to fulfill roles that never felt right, he transitioned and began living as the man he always knew himself to be. His children still call him mom.

You Only Live Twice: A Memoir in Two Genders is available now.